There comes a time in life, when you feel like is going to be the last day, the last breath you would ever take. Why? Because as I sit here and analyze the life experiences I have come across I can only imagine what else is there to come, I asked myself the other day, why is it that just when I believe that everything is OK, that’s when it all goes down.
I have battle practically all my life, and I’m growing tired of fighting for survival, sometimes it gets to the point that I want to give up, the only reason why I hold on, is my kids and because I feel there is some how an opportunity to live a better life, I can only imagine how beautiful is going to be when my kids and I no longer have to live in fear, but then again this can only be another one of the many dreams that never comes truth, or is it?
I want to believe that we will be OK this time around but can it be promised to us? Or can at least be made sure? I feel like if I am still in a never ending dream, which I want so bad to wake up from, I want all of it to end, the only thing I can do is to take it one day at the time and try one last time, maybe this time can be real, maybe I have woken up but still feel trapped in the dream, I can see my face in the mirror and feel like there is someone else looking back at me, telling me to run and hide, that is just not going to happened for me, I don’t want to run or hide anymore I just want all this nonsense to come to an end, at one point in my life I believed that if I got rid of my problem and I mean (literally get rid of it), there was only 2 ways of doing it, first killing him or killing myself to make it all end, in my head I believed that was the answer at the time, but then I realized, if I killed him, jail would have been my punishment, and if I killed myself my punishment would of been death and everyone knows once your dead your dead theres no coming back, and my kids would of been alone either way, regardless of my situation I need it to see clear and recognized that the answer is to keep moving not running but moving on and avoid having to expose my kids to any more drama. I have to keep going because for right now is the only way, I need to keep making things better and telling myself that soon I will finally be in peace, that's what I'm hoping for. Sometimes in life we are forced to give up even if we are doing everything we believe is right, and sometimes we just don’t want to keep moving, we have choices and I have made mine I refuse to stay and hurt myself and my children by not doing the right thing. I want peace in my heart once and for all, a better life for the kids a life without fear. To think that after all this years trying to make a live without having to worry about him knowing where we are, we have to go back into living this horrible nightmare because white pages.com decided to put my information out in the open, now I have to start all over again, am I going to have to keep running for the rest of my life, this is why I decided to go away as far as possible as I can, maybe this long distance move would be a beginning to the question I seek an answer to. Is this the end of the road or the end to the nightmares? If there is someone outhere who can answer this question please feel free to give your advise.

I seek peace and care for myself and my children, to love myself once again the way I used to, not to be afraid but to face my fears, so that I can teach my children to love life and care for it without fearing anyone, to live a normal life without hesitation.
I give myself no credit sometimes because, I keep going back to the hurting days, (the physical days ) there are moments where even a song can bring back those days, what makes it complicated is the memories, there may be a certain song that will remind me of the day we met, or the day we got married, even the nights when he was in a good mood and put the radio on, grab me by the hand and start dancing with me for no reason at all, when I would look at him in the eye and ask him (what are you doing?) he would say “Its just because I love you”, like a fool I always believed him, then there will be the days he would hit me, scream, and called me names, He never had an excuse he just did it, getting his frustations out on me became a hobby for him, he will make feel like i had to do everything he asked me as if I was his slave, even scrape his nasty feet and calluses, I had to practically do (my wife duties) that's what he called it, pampering to every demand he had was one of the major duties a wife should do for a her man according to him, that’s when the good times would suddenly stop. If I didn’t meet to his demands he would start to open his big fat mouth and scare the kids so I had to deal with it otherwise trouble would start. Why is it that I feel like even though he isnt here he's making me stay here rather than packing all my stuff and leave, it feels like if he still controlling me, it feels like he’s back home like he never left? The day that I get that answer I guess that will be the day fear would die, I'm really hoping for that day. I was so secure of myself and actually believed that I was free, ha!! That’s a laugh, because here I go again.
I will like to tell myself this: Jeannette wake up, let go, don’t keep hurting yourself and don’t cry, I have cried so much that I sometimes feel like there is no more tears left in my eyes, I have to concentrate and its so hard, even when I’m writing I feel choked up, he is in my head again hurting me the memories I have make's more complicated, at one point I had stopped looking at the scars for sometime and I didn’t even know they were there anymore, Now that I saw his face again, that i know that he's around somewhere it seems like every where I turn he’s there looking at me, following me, torturing me, hunting me like a freaking ghost.
Why? Why now after so long? Why hunt me again? What do you want? can't you just leave me alone, go away, make a life of your own, please just let me breath I need my life back, all I ask is for you to let me go, just let me be, let me move on, if I can only have the courage to face and confront him and say it out loud, without worrying about him punching me in the face for disrespecting him, I would, but a man like him is not worth wasting my breath, because he will never set me free, I am not going to stay around too long for him to come back and who knows what he would do to me next time.
The scary part of all this is that he knows where I live now and he can be anywhere. I walk tall and try not to look around too much, but I also keep my head strong and aware of the surrounding making sure that he is not following me.
I’m confused and restless and I am back to the sleepless nights, I’m looking forward to move and it is a different scare, it’s a change, but who said change is not good, maybe it is who knows. I know I will begin again, I will hold myself strong and I will do it for the kids, If is the last thing I'll do, I promise you. I don’t want to be trapped on the spider’s web anymore or in a cage with a snake waiting to feed on me, I need to wake up, I need to see that I can do this, I will pull through if I did it once I can do it again.
I would like to think that if I close my eyes really tight that maybe, when I opened them back up, I am in a different world, a world full of love and kindness, no illnesses no pain, where everyone has goodness in their heart and no malicious thoughts can ever cross their mind, that is a wish and can only happen if the whole entire universe gets somehow rearrange by the supreme being and I don’t think that will happen anytime soon, I ask myself what if for one day I get to wish for as many things as I can, what would I wish for, Do you want to know what it would be?, my first wish would be, that Rey can switch places with me and go back to 7/21/89 right around 7:30 pm when he was getting ready to leave the house to go meet with his friends, (yeah right), that night I will never forget, I would like him to feel what I felt, when he kicked me in the stomach at 6moths 2wks pregnant from our first child, I will like him to feel the pain, that terrible pain in the side of my belly, it felt as if my entire internal system was about to explode, to feel my fear at 19yrs of age and afraid, so afraid that I had no idea what was happening to me.
I want to see his face when the doctor said; “I am sorry, but the baby didnt make it.” I wish that he would have been there to hear my screams my pain, my sorrow, I wish that he could have heard my cry. I wish that he would of seen the baby and held it in his arms the way I did, praying that it was a mistake and that she would start to cry, I wish that he would have reacted the way I did when the nurse came and took her little body away, I wish that he can feel the pain in his throat from screaming and asking repedetly, why? Please someone tell me why? Please tell me is a mistake. Where the hell was he when I was suffering in pain because he had no control of his attitude and decided that the way to discipline me was by hitting me, you murderer you killed her I hate you, for what you did, I wish that you can take it all, the pain the broken bones, the black eyes the broken nose, the fracture skull, the stab wounds, the name calling, the raping, the ripping my clothes off in the middle of the street while pulling me by the hair, all the things you put me through, if only for one day you can feel what I felt maybe you would understand why I detest you the way I do, why? I can even write without crying, I still get emotional everytime, What did I do to you so bad to deserve all the pain you put me through? What did I say to make you hate me so much? If you really loved me like you said you did you wouldnt hurt me the way you did and even though you are not in front of me I am still in pain.
So I wish that you can take it all, the same way I did, that for only one day you will know what is like to be me, to be in my shoes. I didn’t deserve it, no one deserves to get hurt, and I hope that you can be forgiven by God, because I can forgive, but I will never forget, and honestly I don’t think I can ever forgive you.
All the sleepless nights afraid that he would wake up in the middle of the night and kill me, I lived this horrible life and I don’t need to repeat the same thing twice, I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself and having to make my kids promises that I can not keep, I promised them that you will never bother us again and here you are showing up out of nowhere making them afraid, because they have no idea why you came back, you should of stayed where you was, you should of not looked for us, its been 5 years, enough is enough. This time around I will make sure that if I say its over then is over, I will fight him if I have to, I will protect myself and the kids and not allow him or anyone else for that matter to threaten or scare us, to make me feel inferior and afraid for my life, I will not allow anyone to make my children fear for their lives or mine, no more I give up the pain. I will make another wish, and that is for me to keep on moving and finally climb the ladder that has been put there for me to escape from the terrible dream I have been living, I will go on with life and will take care of myself again and put an end to this, It sounds so good to say it, I just have to believe it.
I have two children whom I adore and love and it is because of them that I intent to make it better, my daughter Terry, she need’s me more than ever, she is in her difficult moments (the teen years), she needs me to be there for her and to understand her, to give her advise and let her know that I am by her side, no matter what decisions she makes along the way. I will stand beside her and assure her that as long as we have each other we can accomplish anything and everything that comes our way. I want her to know how much I love her and to remind her that love is patience and not pain, I want her to learn that no one should put her down and she should never put herself down, that she is beauty inside and out, I want her to know that I love the sound of her voice, that I love to hear her sing, I enjoy to hear her playing the piano and classical music never sounded so lovely until you hear your own child playing it. I want her to know that no matter what, I will always be there, that I’m proud of her. I have been all this years and will continue to do so until the day I take my last breath. “I love you terry” and I will never grow tired of saying it.
R.J. You are only 10, but sometimes you act like a 40yrd old man, and don’t get me wrong, that’s great, I love the fact that you are always willing to learn something new and that you don’t ever follow anything any of your friends tell you to do, and most of all I love the fact that no matter how bad it is you will always tell the truth, I admire that R.J. keep going don’t ever tell a lie, it makes you a better person and don’t be afraid because the truth will always set you free, I love the fact that you are so interested in books that you love to read, I know that one day you will sit and read the book I'm writing. I know that you are still young to understand some things, I only ask of you to always have respect for all mankind, (that does not mean that you can’t defend yourself by all means do if you have to) I only ask that you respect woman and never forget that you was born of a woman. I am a woman, am your mother, and I have been through a lot of pain and suffering, please my son I ask that you walk away if you are ever in a situation that violence should arise take a deep breath and walk away don’t turn your back, without first looking and saying violence does not solve any problems it will only make it worst, listen to your inner voice and trust yourself because you are a good boy now and will be a great man, a man of honor and respect. Love can sometimes make you say or do crazy thinks if you let it, so don’t. you can love don’t be afraid to, and you can make love, just not war,( that’s from the 60ths ) I love you my son, I owe you my life, and it’s because of the two of you that I survived because of my love for you. And if that alone is not a lesson to be learned, then I don’t know what is. The best lessons in life are the ones you experience yourself. Become great teachers, become great human creatures, make yourselves proud first before you try to make others proud of you. Don’t ever be ashamed of yourselves, because there is nothing to be ashamed of, you are wonderful in my eyes and will be in the eyes of all those who take time to know you for who you really are, look within the heart to see the beauty that’s inside.
This goes to both of my kids: To love and to be loved is what everyone wants, to respect one another is a most, in order to get respect you most give it, If you give it and don’t get it back don’t worry, because in the end you will always be the better person. When the two of you make lives of your own remember always that respect begins at home, you make it, you stand by it and you obey it, so that those around you can benefit from what you can teach to them.
At the end of the road we will have the upper hand I will win this battle for once and for all, and will dedicate my time to finish the most important task of my life, to continue raising my children, because the safety of my kids and a piece of mind is a never ending task, there are so many things that I want to accomplish, and maybe this time around I will. I understand that there are so many woman out there going through the same or even worst abuse that I have experienced and I wish that I can tell them to hang in there and to believe, I want them to know that there is hope at the end of the rainbow for everyone, I have the opportunity to do so now, even though I have not yet reach the final step, the end of my own nightmares. For now I ask them to please seek the help of a close friend a relative, call the nearest police department and ask to speak to a Domestic Violence unit officer, there is hope and there is help, I know that you might be afraid, believe me I still feel the fear and its hard but you need to push yourself and make that first step, not everyone’s situation is the same, in the end there is one thing that make us equal and that’s domestic abuse. Don’t wait too long to make changes in your life because the longer you wait the more danger you’ll expose yourself and your children to. I have made a choice and life is all about the choices we make. There will be times when the choices we have to face might not be the right ones, but we can continue to try until it gets better, here is the best example I can offer. when we was born we need it our parents help to feed us, bathe us, change us, walk, read, and many more things we can not do as young kids, hey, we are parents as well and we had to do the same for our children, right? Well I was never thought to ride a bike, and I learned at age 23 as I was teaching my daughter how to ride, I knew that it didn’t take a rocket scientist and that it could not be so hard to do, I saw it done so many times and I knew that she trusted me and that made it a whole lot easier, ( also the fact that she was light), she was afraid to get on the bike and she took a look at my face and said, “mom don’t let me go” I turned to her and said as I was putting her helmet on, “don’t worry I will be by your side I wont let you fall” oh boy, the minute that she started peddling and I saw that she had control I let go, in 2 seconds she was on the grown, she looked at me and said, with tears in her eyes, “mom you promised you wouldn’t let go”. I had to think fast and I remembered something I heard my mother say to me, “if at first you don’t succeed try and try again“. With that she looked at me and wiped her tears away and got back on her bike and tried one more time she was afraid at first but she finally did it, let me tell you something she had a smile on her face and I was so proud her because she did it, she trusted me. She learned in one day, and then it was hard to get her off it.
So you see there is always a chance in life we need to take, I am taking a big chance I’m making a scary move but I will look at it as riding a bike, Its never to late to learn, and is never late to walk away, Survival is the way.